Musings

Can you share people?

Okay. This may seem very strange and it is strange indeed. But recently this has been weighing heavily on my mind and as always, you get to hear about it before anyone else. Sharing people. What does it even mean? It does not mean anything creepy like sharing spouses or stuff like that (FYI I don’t really support polygamy but to each his own), I’m just an innocent kid, okay? By sharing people I mean how we share the people in our life with other people who may or may not be in our life but are in the life of the person being shared (share-ee?). Didn’t get it? I’ll explain (using my own silly self as the example of course).

When my sister was about to be born, I was really happy. After all, I would get a playmate, right? However, I was a little worried, like all kids are subconsciously or consciously (don’t lie, you were too) that my parents would love me less. These concerns were obviously unfounded and baseless, which I saw when my sister arrived. In fact, I loved her the most of all; it was the first time I was willing to risk my life for another sentient being. Yet, she enjoyed some special things which I used to when I was a child. Case in point, being picked up by dad when she got tired. I had (mostly) left this habit as I was five years old when she was born. I felt a little left out when she would get picked up and I wouldn’t. So, when we would be returning home from trips in the car, she would be asleep with me in the backseat and dad would pick her up and carry her home. I am guilty of feigning sleep multiple times and having my dad pick up both of us :p

Let me elucidate with more examples (hence embarassing myself even further but ehh). This not wanting to share people tic strengthens further when I have to share people with those I know. We started studying from our current professors of physics, chemistry, botany and zoology two years ago (when we started 11th grade). When we came into 12th grade, a girl I know from my neighbourhood got admitted to the batch of class 11th being taught by my teachers. I know they have and will teach many students. Still it made me feel strange to have to share my teachers with her. Another thing is when my friends aren’t as near to me physically, like when they move houses. I know they’ll make new friends and maybe so will I. Chances are, we can’t stay in touch as much anymore. And I’ll still feel sad for sharing them. Now that my self-loathing examples are over, you can laugh at my silliness all at once.

But what irks me is that I do not feel this way for sharing things. I’ll voluntarily give my stuff to people without any problem. I’ll share my clothes and food happily. However, when it comes to people, my mind and heart get screwed up. I know I shouldn’t feel this way and yet I do. I don’t think that this is the green eyed monster of jealousy or posessiveness. I can be jealous sometimes but it’s a very rare thing. And being possessive? People tell me I’m very strange for not being possessive of people I love and giving them freedom to do as they wish (though it makes me feel them to be strange to not allow people to do their thing or to manipulate others). This whole being possessive/jealous idea is just not my thing. Then why do I feel bad sharing people? To keep myself sane, I coerce myself to believe that it is just how my heart tells me I love these people. I tell myself that this happens because I love them and that I feel threatened that my place in their life might be taken over by someone else. So, if I ever tell someone that I don’t like to share them with others then it’s a compliment as I’ve told my parents… 🙂

 

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